The Seagull Code

Thought I would take a break from mainstream politics for now.  Less than a month to the Iowa Caucuses and New Hampshire Primaries, it is time to say “let the games begin” and may the best man win.  But here is something totally apolitical that may interest you or get a good laugh.

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There is a popular theory that seagulls are homosexual by nature.  The sexual behavior of seagulls is discussed in a book by Bruce Bagemihl entitled Biological Exuberance. The only problem with that theory is seagulls are not an endangered species and there would be no way for them to make new seagulls if this were the case.  And unlike humans, seagulls do not make decisions on such matters, birds do things purely instinctively.  Since there are plenty of seagulls hanging out on the beaches of the world year after year, in the [worst] case, they are bisexual.

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It is also a well-known fact that seagulls are monogamous—they mate for life with the same opposite sex seagull.  I believe it works like this.  During the mating season (approximately a month or so), the male seagull [humps] the female’s brains out until she lays seagull eggs.  Then he takes off for eleven months of “boys night out” and return next year to the same female for another round of [mating]; he would know his mate from her scent (scent of a woman).

Now should [human] women “ease up” and not condemn “boys night out”?  Should marriage counselors revise how the advise their clients and tell a woman the key to a happy marriage is be together for a short time, do your own thing, and meet same time next year?  Not so fast.  This does not verify every seagull is happily married—that every seagull is one-hundred percent satisfied with his (or her) mate.  There are no seagull divorce courts so it’s not like they have that as an option.  And birds not incarcerated have never been observed to break one-hundred eighty degrees from instinct.  The most happily married humans are not happy one-hundred percent of the time and  every human being on the planet has to do things they don’t want to do sometimes.  So I cannot suggest troubled married couples take advice from seagulls at this time.

Another thing to note is the sex ratio among birds.  With mammals, e.g. humans, females outnumber males by just under two to one because a mammal has to be conceived within a limited temperature range—too cold or too hot and you get a female by default.  It is the opposite in birds; the females have to be conceived within a critical temperature range or you get a male by default.  It is closer to three to one in the case of seagulls.  So on a beach in on a cold winter day, when you see male seagulls cuddled up with each other, they are not necessarily engaging in irregular [improper] behavior—they just need to keep warm to survive and there aren’t enough females for every male.  This would imply that female seagulls may be “sluts” with multiple male [partners].  Not because they have whore-like instincts, but the ratio of males to females gives them no choice.

This also does not mean conservative-thinking [humans] are wrong to condemn same sex marriage.  Seagulls do not mate with a same sex seagull.  Humans are the one species that has the intelligence to make decisions and if a majority chose homosexuality, the human race would terminate.  In Ernest Hemmingway’s In Our Time, there is one vignette that digresses from the story of Nick Adams and talks about Mr. and Mrs. Elliot.  Mr. and Mrs. Elliot tried to have a baby but couldn’t because Mr. Elliot was gay.  While Hemmingway had no opinions on this matter expressed in any of his literature, there is an implication that the edict marriage is between an man and a woman is correct, politically or otherwise and that homosexuals should still play the field and choose a heterosexual mate, attempt to make a child to ensure our species continues, and beyond that we should not tell them how to live—at their own risk that they may engage in behavior condemned by The Bible and be smitten; or forgiven according to protocol within their own religion.  Mr. and Mrs. Elliot lived a seagull lifestyle; take it with a grain of salt, they are fictional characters.

So the next time you are on a beach and you observe seagulls, you will probably want to talk politics with them.  They would probably rather talk about pollution and climate change than their sexual habits but one thing they are is predictable.  And as long as they can mate, there will be plenty of them on our beaches and ocean fronts.

 

 

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